Disappointed

I had a telephone conversation with my mum today over the usual stuff – my work and things with her, my brother and my sister.

I miss them. A lot. Sometimes I really wish I’d wake up in my room in Miri and get ready to go for breakfast with all of them. In fact I have had that feeling a couple of times while I lay subconscious in bed early  morning.

And because I think of them as the foremost important people in my life, I tend to want to get the same attention from them as well. I’d like to think that they actually miss my presence back home. I don’t want to be forgotten or be regarded as a “stranger” in the house for the years that I’ve been gone.

Which is why, whenever I’m back home, I try hard to “fit in” once again. Joke around with my sister as much as I can. Tease my brother with silly insults & comments in front of her so I make it clear that “we’re on the same side”. Manja to my mum and insist on holding her hand/clinging to her arm in public (tsk tsk!), hehe.

But one thing I couldn’t quite do well, was to sayang my little brother like how I publicly sayang my little sister (although I do pretend to be reluctant in buying him expensive gifts but do it anyway just because I sayang him as well).

You see, we grew up fighting EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. We NEVER. EVER. give compliments to each other. We just throw insults at each other and see who wins. The person who wins is obviously more superior over the other. In terms of knowing how to win in arguments.

I know this sounds uber-cheesy, but this was how we actually got along with each other. Fighting!

I could write books about my childhood memories with my siblings and believe me, they are very, very interesting! It usually involves us throwing a 佛山无影脚 (Fushan no shadow kick a.k.a. Wong Fei Hong kick) at each other, biting each other’s arms, locking each other outside the house, electrocuting each other with the fly rackets etc.

I thought they were awesome childhood memories that I was actually quite proud of them!

… until tonight.

I realized all those bullying and winning the arguments have caused nothing but a strain in the relationship between me and my brother.

I want so much to sayang him like how I sayang my sister but it can be so difficult to show.

More often than not, I end up doing the exact opposite thing I wanted to do to show him my sisterly love. Because I thought that was how it had always worked! But I guess not.

My mum told me that he doesn’t wanna stay with me if he is to come over to study next year.

A normal reaction would’ve been a “WOOHOO! My freedom won’t be interfered then!” But all I felt was a PANG! on my chest.

It was disappointment I was tasting at the back of my throat. He actually DESPISES me that much. I was so hurt.

You know maybe I should’ve treated him better and things would’ve been different. Maybe then we could really hang out as loving siblings and not enemies.

Oh, if only…